Swallowing Fear

Well. Here I am. Sitting at my computer trying to wrap my mind around what the heck I am doing. For a few years now I have followed several friends who blog and am amazed at their ability to write what is in their heart and share it with the world. Some are hilarious, some are briliant, all are entertaining and draw me back week after week. But never in my life had I thought I would EVER start my own blog.

So, why, you ask, have I started this now? Well, for years I have written stories. Not real life, not what is in my heart, but the crazy little things that flitter through my mind. And then, after days, weeks, or months I carefully tuck the story into a box somewhere, never to be seen by anyone but myself and maybe my family. If they are lucky.

So today I actually did the unthinkable.

I self published a book.

A 240 page...66, 000 word book.

And my palms are still sweating and my heart is still pounding.

I try to reason with myself. What is the worst that can happen? But that reasoning only gets me about this far...
1) Everyone will hate it.
2) Everyone will think I have wasted my time.
3) I will be humiliated and will never be able to show my face in public again...And maybe die from said humiliation.

Yes, I know, that's a little dramatic. But part of my writers brain, that has created characters who mean something to me and stories that I love, dreads that unlikely possibility.

Yet, when I think about the absolute worst outcome, it is nothing like the silly ones listed above.

Regret. A serious case of the what if's. Growing old and knowing that I let my dreams slip away because of fear.

So instead, I am learning this year to embrace that which I fear and run forward, following my dreams.

And for every ten that hate my work, I will be happy with just one who loves it or even likes it. And with a few more pep talks, I think that is something I can live with.